One of the greatest demons that haunts me is the one that controls my self-esteem. Like many women and girls in the world, I grew up hating my body and everything about it. I doubted everyone who told me I was evenly remotely attractive, or chalking up their opinions to personal bias. There is always something that I feel could be improved, and something that is beyond help. It never mattered how much I weighed, it never mattered what I wore, or how much makeup I put on, because society always told me that it was never enough. That I would never be enough.
Being here in Rwanda has been better for my self-esteem than any boyfriend, any words of affirmation, any appreciative glances that I ignored in the past have ever been. The societal ideals of beauty that I grew up with have very different meanings here. Being skinny in Rwanda is not a symbol of beauty, it’s a sign of malnutrition. I am constantly being told to take seconds, even thirds by Mama and Papa Barn as they tell me, “You’ve lost enough weight”. I’m still young, they say. My fellow Rwanderer, Stephen, says that his coworkers are genuinely worried for him because of the weight he’s lost. This has led to me being much more comfortable in my body, although, I did almost lose it when some of my friends from choir told me that I looked fat one day – a compliment here.
As I walk about town, shop, go to work, many people, strangers, tell me how beautiful I am, or give me second, even third glances. Of course, I have to remind myself, the color of my skin plays a huge role in how beautiful I am to Rwandese. Beauty companies sell skin lightener products so naturally beautiful Rwandan women can try to obtain the unobtainable. Many Models for stores and on products in this black majority country are white. Whereas in America the tanning industry is incredibly popular, or women and men alike risk skin cancer from too many days in the sun to achieve that ‘perfect glow’.
Sure, I’m not losing weight, I eat like a maniac. Food is delicious. But I know that I’ve never been healthier. The foods I do eat are organic, I have a balanced diet with carbs, vegetables, meat, some fruits, almost all sugar has been cut from my diet unless it’s natural. I walk more than I do at home, my skin is clear, and I feel energized. Achieving a healthy self-esteem is a long, uphill battle, but I’m no longer upset when I look in the mirror. I don’t immediately hone in on the things I hate about myself when I get dressed. I can take a photo and admit to myself that I look nice that day. This is what Rwanda has showed me I am capable of and it’s led to a much happier me.
Being here in Rwanda has been better for my self-esteem than any boyfriend, any words of affirmation, any appreciative glances that I ignored in the past have ever been. The societal ideals of beauty that I grew up with have very different meanings here. Being skinny in Rwanda is not a symbol of beauty, it’s a sign of malnutrition. I am constantly being told to take seconds, even thirds by Mama and Papa Barn as they tell me, “You’ve lost enough weight”. I’m still young, they say. My fellow Rwanderer, Stephen, says that his coworkers are genuinely worried for him because of the weight he’s lost. This has led to me being much more comfortable in my body, although, I did almost lose it when some of my friends from choir told me that I looked fat one day – a compliment here.
As I walk about town, shop, go to work, many people, strangers, tell me how beautiful I am, or give me second, even third glances. Of course, I have to remind myself, the color of my skin plays a huge role in how beautiful I am to Rwandese. Beauty companies sell skin lightener products so naturally beautiful Rwandan women can try to obtain the unobtainable. Many Models for stores and on products in this black majority country are white. Whereas in America the tanning industry is incredibly popular, or women and men alike risk skin cancer from too many days in the sun to achieve that ‘perfect glow’.
Sure, I’m not losing weight, I eat like a maniac. Food is delicious. But I know that I’ve never been healthier. The foods I do eat are organic, I have a balanced diet with carbs, vegetables, meat, some fruits, almost all sugar has been cut from my diet unless it’s natural. I walk more than I do at home, my skin is clear, and I feel energized. Achieving a healthy self-esteem is a long, uphill battle, but I’m no longer upset when I look in the mirror. I don’t immediately hone in on the things I hate about myself when I get dressed. I can take a photo and admit to myself that I look nice that day. This is what Rwanda has showed me I am capable of and it’s led to a much happier me.